The 14 Hollows of Regret

(Older)

1.
I cannot leave the empty untouched

2.
I always let the boxed up, held down what if’s
Pop screws loose in my sternum

3.
I carry a cradle of nostalgia
A cozy home in the pit of my stomach
That safe swaddles every time I said “no” and meant “yes”

4.
There is an apathy
Ready to fight the feelings of anger
Push them to the back burner of my psyche
Where they can simmer

5.
NO REGRETS
A flickering red neon sign
That sheds no real light
But a hazy unreliable glow
Tinting every thing rose colored

6.
I shove my pockets full of pictures
Each one with a flash reflected in the window
A glaring light covering the photo paper faces
On the back I write “LOSS”
A shiny permanent marker scrawl
And next to it I put the date when I forgot what it was taken for

7.
I wallpaper my room in apology notes
Each one reads almost the same
Sarah-
I’m sorry for each time…
And I know when you said that you didn’t mean to…
They are scribbled on small squares of egg shell paint
Tomorrow I will start on the ceiling

8.
My body is covered with pores
Tiny hollows
Impossible to get rid of
They ooze oils
Of “if I had only’s”
The infections of missed kisses
Keep my body slick with sorrow

9.
Body wracked
The frustration of unfulfilled orgasms
And I had told myself
Don’t stop Oh god don’t stop Don’t stop
But I let me down again
Trembling, unfinished

10.
The feeling of wanting to be pushed
Wanting to be slammed into walls
Salem witch crushed with boulders baring down on tender chest
And despite the inevitable loss
I only want to prove I can still choke out breath

11.
The feeling of being without
Empty hands offered to lost lovers
Kisses that never quite reach lips
Promises never quite kept

12.
The comfort found in off white lies
Just dirty enough to keep you from believing
But too idealistic to deny

13.
I want to dig my hands into that hollow
Spacious between my breast bone and spinal cord

14
I cannot leave the empty untouched